Life is a Novel

write it while you can

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I haven’t felt this ugly, disliked, or lonely in a while. I feel like everyone who I know would be happier if I wasn’t around. Even my boyfriend, who I know loves me. I try to make everyone happy, but instead I just push people away and make people not like me. I was told that I am too abrasive sometimes and make people uncomfortable. I was also told today by my boyfriend that having sex with me was like “work.” Then I had to listen while him and our friend talked about how I was too clingy and clinginess is super unattractive. I can’t disagree with that sentiment, but still. I have too many problems. I was raised in a really fucked up family, and rather than being stronger than that I just sucked it all up and became fucked emotionally. All I want right now is for this girl who I used to call my best friend to just come back and be here with me. I would do anything to bring her back here. Which probably sounds stupid, but all I want is one friend right now so that I don’t feel so alone, or like I’ve fucked up my life so much. But maybe if I had been more considerate, or less clingy to my boyfriends, or something she would be here now.  Or maybe someone would. I am about to move into an apartment with four girls who don’t even like me. My future roommate acts like she is about to move into a torture chamber. And everyone I know here thinks I’m crazy or something. And I must be. I just want to go away.

(Source: Spotify)

Filed under falling apart depression sad hurt alone help

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speechless …

I feel SO alone. And all I want to do right now is go home, and feel safe and warm and loved … but right now I do’t even know where that place would be. I feel like I have been searching for that sense of home, that sense of unconditional love and acceptance and support and stability my whole life, and I feel like I’ll never have that. I have some big hopes and dreams I guess, but I feel so ungrounded because I don’t have any solid foundation. I guess the closest I ever got was being on a winterguard team in high school, but even that fell through. And I feel like my need for that sort of relationship, that sort of support destroys all the relationships I have with boys. Because no one could ever give me that, or at least not the boys I pick apparently. Maybe I just don’t know how to pick em. But I don’t even have friends. Like literally. I know people, obviously, and like I hang out with some people sometimes. But no one I feel that comfortable with. Who I feel like I could go to when I need a shoulder to cry on. And I feel so alone. And I don’t know when that is going to stop. And I feel so lost. I feel like the water is rising and I am kicking and trying to stay afloat, but I’ve never had much buoyancy. There are good things in my life … I am lucky to have a fantastic job at Disneyland, and I get to be a part of making childrens dreams come true, and giving them a magical experience. But that stuff only goes so far. I just don’t know what to do.

Filed under depression hard times lonely thoughts idk :(